Things I Wish You Knew: Mom

Mom,

 

When you brought me into the world 18+ years ago, I’m sure you were overjoyed at having a daughter. I’m sure thoughts of having a buddy to do girly things with made you happy. I’d feel the same way too, if I were you. You and Dad toiled hard to raise me to be self sufficient and independent and I will always be grateful.

 

Our relationship hasn’t been the best after I grew up. I would make an effort to tell you what went on, how I feel, and various things like that but it usually ended up in a huge argument. It was tough trying to finish saying the things I wanted to tell you without getting accused and without assumptions. I would go to my room, lie on my bed, and stare blankly asking myself where I went wrong.

 

I have always cherished the times we spent together having tea time or shopping. You would always give me honest opinions on what you think about things even if we had opposing opinions but we respected each other on that. I love spending my money on you because you have spent so much on me and done so much for me that this is the least I can do to show my appreciation. I enjoy doing things for you.

 

When I told you about my change of beliefs and religion, I was not shocked to receive an objection from you. You’ve always hoped that I would turn out to be the perfect Christian yet I turned out to be the opposite. I wish you would have respected my decision and our difference in beliefs instead of forcing me to believe what you believe. I dislike having unanswered questions and my questions could not be satisfied, prompting me to have a change in religion. You have always told me that I make my own choices but why do you go off the deep end when I make my own choices and stop me? Why do I always have to do things according to your preferences? It was tough during the days following my announcement. When you kept asking me to read the Bible, pray, and go to church, I felt forced and ashamed. It felt like I was offending God and being hypocritical. I wanted to tell you but I was afraid of what you would say, so I kept sinning against your God just so I could respect you as my parent.

 

I met Burhan in December 2015 and fell in love with him. It distressed me as to how I should let you know. I ended up keeping it from you for almost a year because I did not want to lose him. He is my happiness and I wasn’t going to let anyone take it away. I also wished that you would allow me to see whoever I wanted to because I am the one in the relationship. We all know that Luke and I did not work out even though you did approve and encouraged us to continue on. He made me terribly unhappy, yet I kept dating him for your sake. The remaining information about this topic is in the letter I left behind for you.

 

I’m sorry for all the times I have failed you as a daughter and have not accomplished my responsibilities. I’m sorry I did not turn out the way you wanted me to but instead, had my own questions and made my own choices. I wish I could have made you happier than how I have made you but it is out of my abilities to reach your standard.

 

Please read the letters I have left behind.

 

I love you and I miss you, mom.

 

Your daughter forever.

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