23 • 02 • 17

Today, I say goodbye to everyone and everything I have known.

Today, I hope my misery ends.

Today, tears will be shed.

But in the future, the sun will shine brighter than it has ever shone, for the sake of everybody else.

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22 • 02 • 17

I have so many things to say, so much to tell, but when I sit and try to write my thoughts down, I can’t. My mind loses focus and I get overwhelmed. I guess I will try to say whatever I can before biding my final goodbye.

Love him, but give him his space. Respect him, but he is not your master. Trust him, but do not be a fool. Talk to him, but do not burden him. Make him happy, but remember to make yourself happy as well.

Love your family, because they are the closest to you. Treat them often. Show them you appreciate them. Honor them. Respect them. Help them.

And you, always remember that words will never be enough. To show someone you truly mean something, do it. Be patient with others, because you never know the full story. If you say that you’re here to stay, be there. Do not disappear and get upset when no one trusts your words. They became insecure because of what you have done, but they still trust you, or they would have left you. Not everyone is going to share everything no matter how close you are, so do not force them. Care for them instead but respect their space. Relationships are not always about similarities. To think that you must find someone your style is foolish. It is about understanding and the effort to make it work. If you do not like exercising but he/she does, go with them. You will learn to like the things they love as well.

I wish I had done this earlier. If I had, I would have never been in this situation. But now that I am, I will do what I need to.

The Final Letter: Burhan

Burhan,

Today, as I write this as a final goodbye letter with tears in my eyes, I think about all the good times we shared. It still hurts. It hurts more than the days before. The pain becomes increasingly unbearable and I can no longer fight against it. I still wake up in the middle of the night and reach out for you. I dreamt about you last night. The dream felt so real and I woke up even more depressed than I already am because I wished it was.

I wish you knew I trust you. If I had not, I wouldn’t have opened my heart to you, wouldn’t have fallen in love with you, and wouldn’t have welcomed you back when you left. Those were signs that I trust you. After the last time you disappeared, I became uncertain. Insecurity kept nagging at me and I wondered if I was still good for you. I wanted to be the best for you and kept working to get there. My emotions started to spill all over and I lashed out at you. The problem wasn’t you, it was my insecurity of not being good enough. I’m sorry I took it out on you instead of keeping it to myself. I thought you would understand where I am coming from. If only I had pushed myself harder, reached your expectations faster, we would not be where we are today. I am also sorry for interrupting your gaming time. My worry grew when you were silent for an extended period of time and I was concerned that something bad had happened. I cared too much.

The past weeks, I have been worrying and overthinking on a lot of things about us. I worried that my back pain might randomly act up and cause you annoyance, I felt sorry that I cut my hair shorter than what you would have liked.

There is no doubt that you know the depth of my love for you. To you, it would be stupid and dumb of me to keep repeating myself but I will, because I love you. I chose you, I dated you, and I love you, not because I had no one else as you claim, but because I see the potential in you. There were plenty of other offers but I turned them down not for you, but for myself. I wanted only you. You should know by now that I am not a girl who firstly goes for looks. I want a man who would love me despite my flaws, help me mature myself, someone whom I want to spoil and love, someone whom I can plan for the future with. You were all of that. You are not perfect and that’s alright. None of us are. I would be dumb if I expected someone perfect.

I went through our blog again today and reading your sweet posts just drove the knife deeper into my heart. You always spoke of the fear of losing me yet here we are today.

If I could turn back time and right my wrongs, I would. I would do it to please you. Like I’ve always told you, you are my happiness, my future, the reason I breathe and live, the reason I wake up everyday, the reason I believed in love again, and the reason I can smile. To lose you is to cause self destruction, and yet, I lost you.

After weeks and days of thinking, I have made my decision. Life is too hard to go on without you and I feel dead inside. I have only one way to end the pain. I have attempted it before but you stopped me. You were there. But now, it tortures me every minute and it only gets worse.

There is one more thing I would like to explain and clarify but I would not have the chance to do so anymore.

By the time you read this, I may already be gone. Remember to continue to take care of yourself okay? I’m sorry I can’t anymore.

I love you dearly, Burhan. You are the first person to put butterflies in my stomach when I see you and to make me giddy when I hear your voice. I have loved you ever since you broke down my walls and have never stopped loving you.

Forever yours.

Memories

Things I Wish You Knew: Brother

Kor,

 

Soon, you will be off to college pursuing your dreams of fashion marketing and design. You will hit it big and will live an amazing future. I’m proud of you as a younger sister.

 

Our childhood was always fun with occasional fights that we would laugh off minutes later. I remember us eating cereal at the breakfast table and we disagreed on something. Somehow, it turned into a fight with hair pulling and we ended up on the floor. We would hear mom coming and straighten ourselves as if it never happened. Looking back, it sure looked stupid and I wish we had been more mature. Life progressed on with you having your own circle of friends and me having mine. We started drifting apart and having more arguments. We physically fought, but most of the time I would end up with wounds. I still cannot fathom how much you have changed. From the loving brother who would speak up against anyone who would mistreat me to the brother who would not even give a second thought to hitting his own sister.

 

I’m glad you found your own buddies that you can call at anytime and hang out with. It feels good to see you happy.

 

Do well in college and make mom and dad proud. Take care of your health.

 

Your sister

Things I Wish You Knew: Dad

Dad,

 

I don’t really have much to say but I want you to know that I respect you so much. I’m so grateful for all that you’ve done for me and for us as a family. You may not be the perfect dad, but you have improved as the years go by.

 

We have not been close but I appreciate you. It is hard for me to tell you that because of how our relationship is but you have bore so much on your shoulders, experienced body aches, yet you don’t complain about it. You have always worked to provide the best for us, made sure we ate well, took us shopping for special occasions, drove long distances to visit relatives.

 

My fondest memory is when we were young kids, you and mom would get us into our PJs, bring our favorite plushies and pile into the car. You would put on some classical music and we would then go on long drives just for fun so that us kids would fall asleep. That was my favorite part of the day and I always looked forward to it. As I grew older, the way you showed you care changed as well. Once in a while you would come home with bags of snacks. Instead of eating them first, you held back. You also told me that you love my smile and the sound of my laughter. I’m sorry that I robbed you of that. I lost my laughter and smiles when I lost my happiness.

 

You may have really corny jokes and be embarrassing a lot but that’s okay. A lot of dads are. I hate to say goodbye so early but I have to. I cannot bear with the thought of putting you and mom through the pain of having to deal with my depression that will last for a lifetime.

 

I love you, dad. Take care of yourself. Be sure to take your vitamins and treat yourself as well.

20 • 02 • 17

I thought I was finally prepared to leave the earth without tears. I was wrong.

 

Today, my after school hours was spent reading posts on the various makeup groups I’m in on Facebook. A post caught my attention. Someone was asking for advice on what to do when your friends ignore you because you are in a relationship and I gave her some advice. A completely different girl comes and says ‘You broke up with him didn’t you?’ and proceeds to rant about how I should not treat best friends that way when she has absolutely no idea how I have been treated by my ‘best friend’. Sensing a potential drama evolving, I deleted the comment and reposted my original comment, intending to solely help and not cause trouble. Several minutes later, my phone lit up with a message. I received a hate message. She called me a sad ass and said no wonder my boyfriend left me, then proceeded to block me.

 

I never recovered from the blow dealt to me when he left, and to have it picked on was way more than what I could handle. To be accused and insulted was too much for me. It hurt so much and I wish I wasn’t alive.

 

Please be careful before you speak. Just because you have never gone through a similar situation does not give you any right to criticize and insult someone. I just wish people would be more thoughtful and kind the way they expect others to be.

Goodbye: Brittany

If you ever chance upon this blog by some mysterious accident, I want you to know this: you have not only lost me, but my friendship and trust as well. I wish it didn’t have to come to this but I have no regrets making this choice to put a barrier between us.

 

After we began getting closer, I noticed you starting to disrespect me as someone older than you. You would always insult my decisions and choices and wanted things to go your way. Whenever I said something, you would be quick to contradict me to feed your own pride. I have respected you as my best friend and thought highly of you, but your actions seem to convince me otherwise. You need to realize that you are entitled to your own opinions but not everyone is going to agree with it and you need to respect their opinions as well. Just because you think differently does not mean that they are wrong.

 

In case you wonder how you have been rude to me, here are some examples. I have knee problems if I run for an extended period and you know that, Nevertheless, when I took a break on our run, you insulted me for being lazy. You gave my mom an attitude when she took us somewhere different eat just because you did not want to eat there. You badmouthed me to my brother when he never asked for your opinion and kept telling him that I’m salty. Yes, I’m upset because we made the 45 minute trip all the way to downtown KL just to be told that we were not allowed to take pictures. I was not aware of that. You slept in late and told my family that I was the one who took a long time getting ready. And who the hell do you think you are that you can threaten to shut my computer if I do not get off the call with my boyfriend immediately? I rarely see him and talking to each other has been our nightly ritual. I won’t let you, someone who has been with me every single minute for seven days, come in between me and my boyfriend.

 

I appreciate our time spent together as best friends but sadly, it has to come to an end. Honestly, I highly regret letting you meet my boyfriend. Not only were you wanting to treat him like a child, you also told me that I cannot ignore you. You sent him away, wanting to shop with me instead but not only did we not have a pleasant dinner, I felt apologetic towards Burhan for how you treated him. I wish I had just let him be with us, with me, instead of being sent away after the movie. That was the last time we had a date, and you ruined it.

 

If you cannot respect me or my boyfriend, you will receive no respect in return. I have told you that I will not and cannot forgive you for the stress you have placed on my family and the unnecessary burden. My family does not view you kindly and by doing what you have done, you have just tarnished your own name.

 

You might feel offended at this post, if you ever read it, but let me assure you that I only care to speak the truth with you.

Things I Wish You Knew: Mom

Mom,

 

When you brought me into the world 18+ years ago, I’m sure you were overjoyed at having a daughter. I’m sure thoughts of having a buddy to do girly things with made you happy. I’d feel the same way too, if I were you. You and Dad toiled hard to raise me to be self sufficient and independent and I will always be grateful.

 

Our relationship hasn’t been the best after I grew up. I would make an effort to tell you what went on, how I feel, and various things like that but it usually ended up in a huge argument. It was tough trying to finish saying the things I wanted to tell you without getting accused and without assumptions. I would go to my room, lie on my bed, and stare blankly asking myself where I went wrong.

 

I have always cherished the times we spent together having tea time or shopping. You would always give me honest opinions on what you think about things even if we had opposing opinions but we respected each other on that. I love spending my money on you because you have spent so much on me and done so much for me that this is the least I can do to show my appreciation. I enjoy doing things for you.

 

When I told you about my change of beliefs and religion, I was not shocked to receive an objection from you. You’ve always hoped that I would turn out to be the perfect Christian yet I turned out to be the opposite. I wish you would have respected my decision and our difference in beliefs instead of forcing me to believe what you believe. I dislike having unanswered questions and my questions could not be satisfied, prompting me to have a change in religion. You have always told me that I make my own choices but why do you go off the deep end when I make my own choices and stop me? Why do I always have to do things according to your preferences? It was tough during the days following my announcement. When you kept asking me to read the Bible, pray, and go to church, I felt forced and ashamed. It felt like I was offending God and being hypocritical. I wanted to tell you but I was afraid of what you would say, so I kept sinning against your God just so I could respect you as my parent.

 

I met Burhan in December 2015 and fell in love with him. It distressed me as to how I should let you know. I ended up keeping it from you for almost a year because I did not want to lose him. He is my happiness and I wasn’t going to let anyone take it away. I also wished that you would allow me to see whoever I wanted to because I am the one in the relationship. We all know that Luke and I did not work out even though you did approve and encouraged us to continue on. He made me terribly unhappy, yet I kept dating him for your sake. The remaining information about this topic is in the letter I left behind for you.

 

I’m sorry for all the times I have failed you as a daughter and have not accomplished my responsibilities. I’m sorry I did not turn out the way you wanted me to but instead, had my own questions and made my own choices. I wish I could have made you happier than how I have made you but it is out of my abilities to reach your standard.

 

Please read the letters I have left behind.

 

I love you and I miss you, mom.

 

Your daughter forever.

Memories: Burhan

Burhan,

 

When I was introduced to you a year and two months ago, I never knew how much you would mean to me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, neither was I looking for new friendships. I was contented being in my little hole all by myself. Somehow, I fell in love with you along the way and I was scared of what the future would bring. I’ve been deeply hurt before and told myself I would never fall in love again. The walls around my heart were thick and strong so that no one could ever get in but you unknowingly tore them down, little by little.

 

It was midnight on February 15th, 2016 when we were on our usual late night call. We talked about what happened during the day, our dreams and goals. I was falling asleep, contentedly listening to your voice and then you paused. ‘Dea’. My heart began pounding. ‘Yes?’ I replied. ‘I love you’. My heart exploded out of joy and I became fully awake. I inhaled deeply and exhaled a shaky breath before responding ‘I love you too.’ That day still remains clear in my memory. From that day onwards, I became happier than I had ever been. Five days later, we had our first date at the movies. You held my hand and my heart raced.

 

We ran into trouble along the way but through determination and trust we made it. We became closer and stronger. Life tore us apart once but you came back. I knew you’d come back and I’m forever grateful you did.

 

My first day of 2017 was amazing only because I had you by my side. Friends didn’t make it better. You did.

 

February 3rd was the last time I heard your voice. February 5th was the day you left me, left me confused and broken. Today, I’m still waiting for you. I love you no less than the day I first fell in love with you and I will never love you any less. I might be stupid in your eyes for still wanting you, but you mean everything to me. My happiness, my future, my reason to breathe and live, my all. Because of that, I will wait. Even if I have to wait until the day I die.