The Final Letter: Burhan

Burhan,

Today, as I write this as a final goodbye letter with tears in my eyes, I think about all the good times we shared. It still hurts. It hurts more than the days before. The pain becomes increasingly unbearable and I can no longer fight against it. I still wake up in the middle of the night and reach out for you. I dreamt about you last night. The dream felt so real and I woke up even more depressed than I already am because I wished it was.

I wish you knew I trust you. If I had not, I wouldn’t have opened my heart to you, wouldn’t have fallen in love with you, and wouldn’t have welcomed you back when you left. Those were signs that I trust you. After the last time you disappeared, I became uncertain. Insecurity kept nagging at me and I wondered if I was still good for you. I wanted to be the best for you and kept working to get there. My emotions started to spill all over and I lashed out at you. The problem wasn’t you, it was my insecurity of not being good enough. I’m sorry I took it out on you instead of keeping it to myself. I thought you would understand where I am coming from. If only I had pushed myself harder, reached your expectations faster, we would not be where we are today. I am also sorry for interrupting your gaming time. My worry grew when you were silent for an extended period of time and I was concerned that something bad had happened. I cared too much.

The past weeks, I have been worrying and overthinking on a lot of things about us. I worried that my back pain might randomly act up and cause you annoyance, I felt sorry that I cut my hair shorter than what you would have liked.

There is no doubt that you know the depth of my love for you. To you, it would be stupid and dumb of me to keep repeating myself but I will, because I love you. I chose you, I dated you, and I love you, not because I had no one else as you claim, but because I see the potential in you. There were plenty of other offers but I turned them down not for you, but for myself. I wanted only you. You should know by now that I am not a girl who firstly goes for looks. I want a man who would love me despite my flaws, help me mature myself, someone whom I want to spoil and love, someone whom I can plan for the future with. You were all of that. You are not perfect and that’s alright. None of us are. I would be dumb if I expected someone perfect.

I went through our blog again today and reading your sweet posts just drove the knife deeper into my heart. You always spoke of the fear of losing me yet here we are today.

If I could turn back time and right my wrongs, I would. I would do it to please you. Like I’ve always told you, you are my happiness, my future, the reason I breathe and live, the reason I wake up everyday, the reason I believed in love again, and the reason I can smile. To lose you is to cause self destruction, and yet, I lost you.

After weeks and days of thinking, I have made my decision. Life is too hard to go on without you and I feel dead inside. I have only one way to end the pain. I have attempted it before but you stopped me. You were there. But now, it tortures me every minute and it only gets worse.

There is one more thing I would like to explain and clarify but I would not have the chance to do so anymore.

By the time you read this, I may already be gone. Remember to continue to take care of yourself okay? I’m sorry I can’t anymore.

I love you dearly, Burhan. You are the first person to put butterflies in my stomach when I see you and to make me giddy when I hear your voice. I have loved you ever since you broke down my walls and have never stopped loving you.

Forever yours.

Memories

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Memories: Burhan

Burhan,

 

When I was introduced to you a year and two months ago, I never knew how much you would mean to me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, neither was I looking for new friendships. I was contented being in my little hole all by myself. Somehow, I fell in love with you along the way and I was scared of what the future would bring. I’ve been deeply hurt before and told myself I would never fall in love again. The walls around my heart were thick and strong so that no one could ever get in but you unknowingly tore them down, little by little.

 

It was midnight on February 15th, 2016 when we were on our usual late night call. We talked about what happened during the day, our dreams and goals. I was falling asleep, contentedly listening to your voice and then you paused. ‘Dea’. My heart began pounding. ‘Yes?’ I replied. ‘I love you’. My heart exploded out of joy and I became fully awake. I inhaled deeply and exhaled a shaky breath before responding ‘I love you too.’ That day still remains clear in my memory. From that day onwards, I became happier than I had ever been. Five days later, we had our first date at the movies. You held my hand and my heart raced.

 

We ran into trouble along the way but through determination and trust we made it. We became closer and stronger. Life tore us apart once but you came back. I knew you’d come back and I’m forever grateful you did.

 

My first day of 2017 was amazing only because I had you by my side. Friends didn’t make it better. You did.

 

February 3rd was the last time I heard your voice. February 5th was the day you left me, left me confused and broken. Today, I’m still waiting for you. I love you no less than the day I first fell in love with you and I will never love you any less. I might be stupid in your eyes for still wanting you, but you mean everything to me. My happiness, my future, my reason to breathe and live, my all. Because of that, I will wait. Even if I have to wait until the day I die.